I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
