Do you still have your period?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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