I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I pour the whiskey from now on
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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