Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
