Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
