Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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