Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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