Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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