and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
