if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
