I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
