no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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