turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
