i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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