I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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