The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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