this beer tastes like vomit already
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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