Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
