this beer tastes like vomit already
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
