I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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