who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
