im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
