she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
