I'm lost and stupid without you.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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