There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
