I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just pee around me
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
