I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
