he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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