I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
