if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
