How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
