i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
