theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
