We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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