you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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