I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
