Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
