The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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