I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
