dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
