I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
