so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
