A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
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