My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
