There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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