Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
