You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
