Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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