I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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