According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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