the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
